The Yawning Abyss: You Too Are Free

I removed the last post due to certain 'professional' concerns. Here, in their stead, is a poem I wrote at work three weeks ago:


The Yawning Abyss: You Too Are Free
Starting over now:
Back to truth, memory, love
Out with fears, demons, obstacles
I destroy them outright; I condemn them outright.

Condemnation now unbinds-- it frees.
Frees from the solidarity of anger
and the eternal bond of pain which so often ossifies
by hating that thing.

For if I hate you, I must keep you.
I do not hate for I cannot. Rather, I free.

Fear may be itself now in my midst.
Silently stirring dark into darkness
Waiting for weakness, still waiting...
since it breeds on its ability to infect-- that parasite!
It does not self-suffice, nor is autonomous.
It demands me; then I demand.
Now it ends.

I make my law; I grant my weaknesses.
I am passing through this,
the land of forgetting.
I carry sorrow as an innocuous token of a
time where these deep valleys stilled my feet
and kept them still.

Now I walk. I make this path by walking
and I stare in wonder--
alive, and in love with the yawning abyss of my own beautiful freedom.

Some Inquisitives: Who? Where? What? Why?

*I'm writing this now with the hope that YOU might ask some questions to help stimulate the progression of this here blog and focus the attention of its author. Please comment below with any questions you may have about whatever it is you think I'm busy doing.

Why did you pick Thailand?

Hm... good question. I think I picked Thailand because it was incredibly far away, seemed to be very different but not dangerously so, I thought it would provide the right kind of infrastructure and resources, and I found that the TEFL program in Chiang Mai was one of the best in Asia.

What do you like about it?

.... and the list gets longer each day. Let's talk demographics, shall we-- Thais are some of the most wonderful people I've ever met: kind, generous, loving, funny, and everything else implied by their smiles. What's most important, they lack all those nasty things we Westerners seem to have perfected, if not invented-- namely, anger, envy, and apathy. These are some of the only people I've ever seen practice the morality of their faith fully, without contempt for difference, and without imposition. They do so with such grace and selflessness; their kindness stems not from any reference to a good self or a kind person, but rests only in the action and its obligation to the world. Mr. Oodom explained something like this to me last night over a tasty plate of my usual kow pad gai kaidow maisook at the Mad Garden (chicken fried rice with a soft sunny-side egg on top). He said (and I'm definitely paraphrasing to amend his broken english) "Men need to be better than no one. We should only be exactly what we are. If we come from high wealth, others will envy. If we come from poverty, others will pity. If you remove the feeling of entitlement from yourself, you can live free of scorn and sorrow and live among others".

What are your plans now that you've graduated?

I wonder how many times in my life I will be asked this question. No idea after high school; no idea after college; no idea now that I've got a TEFL certificate. I'll answer the short-term professional component of the question first: I've been offered two jobs since graduation. I've taken one and declined the other. The first is at the TEFL program from which I've just graduated. I'll be an observer/instructor for the next month and perhaps after that as well. Interesting turn around there... Also, I interviewed yesterday for a teaching position in Chiang Mai University's English Language Dept. and was offered the job by phone today. I had to decline because of my obligations to the other job... shame.. it would have been interesting to have been a part-time professor before my 23rd birthday. Past that, I'll be picking up some other freelance teaching jobs at one of the many language schools here in Chiang Mai. I'm using June as a buffer period to sort myself out. I love Chiang Mai, but the world is so freaking big. Ryoji and the rest of the Tokyo homies have invited me to do some soul searching in Japan. The ESL bizz is a boomin' over there and great jobs with lots of tasty perks are waiting to be snatched up. Maybe I'll git me one. Anyway, my grammar is going to hell so I'll stop here for now.

Shocking, no. Refreshing, yes.

What are you questions? Serious, silly, sinister?
*Please take a second and email your questions/comments to shdoughty@gmail.com.

Thailand: Land of a thousand frowns and the occasional military uprising.

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So today marks the official beginning of imposed Martial Law here in Chiang Mai. For the past few nights in Bangkok, there has been a mandatory curfew for all inhabitants (starting at 8pm and ending at 6am) in response to the increasing violence there the last few weeks. The good news: The Thai military was successful in capturing six of the rebel leaders in the city center yesterday and, for the most part, cleared out thousands of the red-shirts. The bad news: All those protesters have returned to their homes, mostly in the north, mostly in Chiang Mai. Hmm...... So yesterday the red-shirts burned the governor's house to the ground and set fires in the middle of Chiang Mai's major bridges. Our university closed all classes (except for mine of course, since we're relatively autonomous) and the embassies have followed suit. I sent an email to the U.S. embassy in Bangkok the other day and received a polite and automated "sorry we're closed indefinitely" message. Oh what inconvenient things political uprisings can be!

If you're worried... well you should be. Thailand hasn't experienced this level of political turmoil since the last coup in 1992. The Thais I have befriended the past few weeks seem both worried and optimistic, which can perhaps be attributed either to their Buddhist passivity or their fear of expressing true inner feelings. OR :0) they might really think these things will just pass naturally soon.

Still, it's business as usual around here in Chiang Mai. We had classes again today and I was able to ride my motorbike around my part of town without seeing any signs of trouble. Traffic is a little slow due to the blockages on two bridges, but other than that, we're doing alright.

My friends and I will be on the first plane to Bali if things get bad (then they'll get great!).

As for the imposed curfew tonight, I've got cold beers in the fridge, a few new albums to get through, and a Champions League Final to watch on TV.

My love to you wherever you are,
Sanderson

Here's a pretty good article from BBC on what's going on in Bangkok. No one has written about the provinces much yet.

And so it begins...

And so it begins… I’m off to Thailand, via Taipei, in the pursuit of an innocent dream.

With any luck, I’ll be a certified teacher of English, and after a month I’ll be off defending and propagating the blatant ass-backwardness of this most important language. Chiang Mai is my first target; I begin in the TEFL Certification Program at Chiang Mai University. Along the way, I hope to write about my experiences teaching and traveling, post pictures, correspond with those unfortunate souls left behind, and perhaps intersperse that seriousness with some light thoughts on music, art, society, and whatever strange and general thoughts creep into the old cement truck in my head. I very much hope this endeavor both attractsand perpetuates my interests as well as yours.

Yes yes,

Sandy

Taipei, Taipei, what the eff is going on here?

After months of (mostly not) preparing to make this move, it was finally time to go: said goodbye to those who needed saying goodbye to; gave hugs, kisses, and in some cases, belly rubs; packed up my things and got scootin’. Well first, since Matt told me we were taking the 134 to the 405 to LAX I assumed I was being kidnapped and gave up on the whole thing entirely. I guess the kidnapping comes later. Love you mom.

Sitting on the plane I flipped out my handy-dandy notebook (i.e. Southeast Asia guidebook) and felt great about all the time I had to prepare myself for the three day hangout sesh in Taipei. Little did I know Lonely Planet— along with probably everyone else on the planet but me— would argue that Taiwan isn’t in Southeast Asia and damn them, they’d be right. Sweet… so that book can go back in the bag for now. Almost immediately Andy’s voice popped into my head… “F@&K IT WE’RE DOIN’ IT LIVE!”. So Taipei… let’s do this thing.

Fourteen long hours, two naps, a couple ginger ales, dinner appropriately at 2am (I guess it’s Chinese custom), Sherlock Holmes (which was not nearly as good as Kelly made it out to be.. perhaps to be blamed at the point blank notecard screen), Dr. Parnassus’ Imaginarium…, the end of Soccernomics!, and a bunch of David-After-Dentist-like-is-this-real-life kind of moments, I got myself to Taipei.

I was greeted in the Taipei baggage claim by a unreasonably large billboard of two beagles dressed like customs agents (frowns and all) sternly warning me and all the other potential drugmules on my flight that we could count on their adorably cunning beagle snouts to sniff out all the undeclared agricultural goods we were smuggling, and that I’d better just cough the mofos up right there and then (not in that language exactly). I was so confused I had to collect photographic evidence which I intend to share with you lot in due course.

The taxi ride away from the airport gave me my first glimpse of the place. Everything looked like a Shaolin temple! So excited, I asked the driver about one of the beautifully decorated buildings… “Is that thing sacred?”, “No. Microchip factory.” Holler! Meanwhile, homeboy’s radio was blasting a strange mixture of Chinese pop-music infused with some coronet and a dude that sounded like late Elvis, and was sometimes awkwardly interrupted by news or talking or whatever I don’t know what it was. Anyway, I’m sure I heard, interspersed amidst the Chinese banter, the news lady say “Jigga Man!” and “No way Jose” a few times each. Man was I tired.

The buildings on both sides were a visual metaphor for Eastern development (at least as I understand it); tons of huge skyrise apartment buildings kept apart by big open dirt plots and sporadic grass. Now I don’t mean parks. These spaces were far too unintentional. Anyway, the mountains were gorgeous. They looked like green popcorn! It was then I realized I had my carkeys in my pocket. Not a great place for them.

I spent all day today trying to find a charger for my laptop. Slightly ironic considering the damn things ARE MADE IN TAIPEI!!!!! Uhhh….. I’m off to visit the fourth suggestion. Everyone seems to know but nobody seems to know, you know.

Much love to you.

Questions?

-Sandy

Casting off Into Infinity.

IN THE HORIZON OF THE INFINITE.— We have left the land and have embarked! We have burned our bridges behind us—indeed, we have gone further and destroyed the land behind us! Now, little ship, look out! Beside you is the ocean: to be sure, it does not always roar, and at times it lies spread out like silk and gold and reveries of graciousness. But hours will come when you will realize that it is infinite and that there is nothing more frightening than infinity. Oh, the poor bird that felt free and now strikes the walls of this cage! Woe, when you feel homesick for the land as if it had offered more freedom—and there is no longer any “land”!

— Freidrich W. Nietzsche, The Gay Science, Aphorism #124

Thoughts on the Self; Where I End and You Begin.

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A beautiful moment: After she had said goodbye to me at the front door, my mom said "I hope you find yourself, Sandy". I have spent my life envying her awareness of the world and the way she communicates the beauty she sees in it. I turned around and replied, "I know who I am. It's just that now I'm going to do something about it". I think she knew what I meant.

Homo-Abyssos: The self is a mystery; man is a question to which there can be no answer. I think that an adventure in life is, really, just an act of questioning life itself. It's a performative exploration. I'm talking about drawing a freaking line in the sand here. By discovering the world, I discover myself. By being confused by the world-- and about myself as a result-- I am forced to learn. To rebuild! Learning happens in coming to terms with my own unavoidable ignorance, being confounded in my confrontations with reality, and in my moving away from that initial ignorance by exploring the world. I have placed myself here to be confused for a while-- sense is something that is made in the process, not the prospect.

In defense of his artistic expression, Dali said"Yes,Surrealismisdestructive, but it destroys only what it considers to beshackleslimiting our vision". That reminds me (as do many things) of Heidegger (or maybe someone else) who said,"Primum vivere. Deinde philosophari", which means "First, live. Then philosophize".

And off I go...